Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hello...I'm A Control Freak.

It's all smiles 'til something gets revealed...

Have you ever had an incredible revelation, something about yourself that a light bulb goes off inside your mind, and you think "oh yeah...that makes so much sense!" Last week, I had such a moment.

Remember when I announced that I was taking a break? Well, it did not take long for the Lord to show me that I had a real problem...a problem with control. Not only that, when I feel like I don't have control, this leads to a deep anger that I can't, well, control! I want to be perfect. I want things to be clean. I want people to be good. I want to have everything in its place, and if it gets moved, I get anxiety. I never could figure out what was wrong with me. This past month, I started noticing this was taking over my life...and that my priorities were out of whack because I wanted so bad to control every little thing, and make it a certain way, that nothing got done and I was more overwhelmed than when I started.

I've been reading an amazing book called The Pursuit of Proverbs 31 by Amy Bayliss. In it, Amy speaks with love, great conviction and a honest spirit about things we women struggle with, especially with this chapter and verse of the Bible. She herself wrote about her deliverance from the bondage of control, and I gotta tell ya...I saw myself in her story.
In the chapter "Shattering the Myths", Amy confesses being an over-achiever and that the more she tried to tackle her to-do list and failed, the more frazzled she got; the more frazzled she got, the harder she tried and became dissapointed again, like a "vicious cycle." Can you relate to that?? I can!!

One Sunday, she couldn't take it anymore and cried out to God. She asked Him to take it away from her...He replied "I did." She further explains how she didn't understand because she felt the same! Then she started to worship and tears began streaming down her face. He then said "Let go." She replied, "Let go of what?" "Control," He said. This part of the book hit me hard!! I realized that is exactly what God was telling me, right now...Jacy, let go of control!!
Wow, how can I say I am free in Christ if I am holding onto this power, this desire to control circumstances, people, even emotions?! I am in bondage to control!

Amy continues and asks the Lord how to let go. He tells her to "look down" where she sees a vision of chains all around her. They were unlocked this whole time! She had prevented her own freedom!

In my life, I find myself trying to control what other people do because "I know better" which is not only control, but also self-righteousness. My mind also has been saturated with this judgmental and snarky attitude...not Christ-like at all! It's not enough to just recognize our sin...we must turn away, in other words, have true repentance. That's the hard part. That's where most of us fail. We crave change but we don't want to admit that we did anything wrong.

I don't want to hold on anymore. I want to let it go and be free, like who I'm suppose to be! Don't you? What are you struggling with today? Is there a bondage in your life that God is asking you to "let go"? Let us pray for one another. Comment if you'd like don't have to say what you need prayer for unless you want to. Just your request is enough; God is big enough to know :) Since reading that chapter and having my own "let go" moment with God through prayer & repentance, I can tell you that I feel so much better! It takes time, daily, seeking Him to clean me and mold me...but it's better...I'm better...and that's a start...

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