I know what you saw. I also know what you heard. I know, because I'm you, just older now.
I feel like I'm a fly on the wall of your bedroom, overseeing memories that still feel like yesterday. It's okay to cry. I wish I knew that back then. You are so young to have gone through what you did. I want to tell you that these things happen, and it's not your fault.
Mommy and daddy still love you...they just don't love one another anymore. You don't know this yet, but this will change your heart and will change your outlook on love. You are still too young to know how much it will effect you...
I wish I can hug and kiss you, as you cry at night. You'll be crying at night almost every night until well into high school. I want you to know it's because you feel as though no one loves you. That's not true!! That loneliness and emptiness, that cloud of confusion, it will go away...
And those prayers you keep praying...crying out to God...He has heard you...I know, because I've met Him...
Stay goofy and silly. It will help you not be so angry at the world. Yes, you will be a very funny child...almost the clown of the family. That really doesn't change all that much haha
But the anger...oh girl, you will channel your sorrows into fists and you will be a bully for a while. If I were you now, I'd give out more hugs then bruises...but obviously that can't happen, so I'll just say this. When you call someone names or hit them, bully them around and make them cry, it's because inside you are crying too and just have no direction as to how to control it, or even, express it...but there is hope. You will find drawing and writing liberating and start channeling your emotions into that. This is a gift from the Lord and you will always be grateful for it!!
Dear 18 year-old Jacy,
My my my...what really is there to say to you? You already think you know everything about everything!! You have grown up into such a talented person and yet your heart still is empty and lonely. By now, you've cried many nights away and even stopped your praying for a while. Your fists went from shaking at people to shaking at God. Your idea of love is so complex and awkward...and yet your mind is a flood of fairytale stories, waiting for prince charming to come and rescue you.
Though you are shy around your classmates, it's a defense. Yeah you are sweet, but in reality, you are afraid to get too close...to feel vulnerable and transparent...
All the writing and artwork you are doing now is therapy...though I wish you wouldn't think so dark and evil. Oh yeah, and that music and the scary movies...seriously, be more careful what you feed your eyes and ears! Doors are going to open and you won't be the one who is able to shut them...it turns out okay though, because God ends up opening a brand new one and closing the rest for good!
Oh and that prince charming you were waiting for...yeah, he's not the one you will be with at first. Right now, you might be infatuated with someone already and move too fast because of your eagerness for true love. SLOW DOWN!! Sheesh girl, your mind goes from like to love in 2.5 seconds...your emotions are frantically wondering what the heck is happening.
It works out because you will end up using this to write your first book...I know right! So awesome! All the heartache and pain will be used for God's glory and to show how much God loves you, and so many other people.
In a very short time, you will be swept away from all the bad stuff in your heart! You will find that true love, in Christ, and therefore that will open you up to true love in this life!
Before, you were so focused on being successful for yourself...but it will change, and you will want to be the best you can be, because Jesus has called you to do great things. You will crave for success in your calling.
So I leave you with this...
Whatever you have went through and still have to go through, God is real and watching. He is alive and has never left you. He is waiting for you to turn your attention and heart to Him...you will lose friends but gain a family in church. Yeah, you will end up going to church and reading a Bible, weird huh? God loves that though and you will too.
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."