In these moments, I always start to question what I'm doing. Is it this blog? Is it my priorities around the home {or lack of}? Am I reading what I'm suppose to? Am I doing what I'm suppose to? Time and time again, I realize how hard I am on myself. My personal expectations. It's like I can't make a mistake. I have lost sight of being merciful to my own person.
I've been talking to God about this for a while because I don't want to be going astray and I want to make sure my motives are correct in everything I do. It was yesterday as I pulled into our garage that I felt something inside of me. There was a song playing and I felt this excitement come up from my soul. David and I had just come from a local produce place and thrift store. He watched from the back seat as I jumped out of the car, singing and dancing, practically in tears. It had been so long since I felt that way. Since I felt joy.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy. I absolutely adore my husband and son. Being a stay at home {wannabe work at home} mommy is one of the biggest blessings I have. Yet days go by, and I feel disconnected from everything. Not necessarily my family but from my calling. It is then I have to remind myself that part of my calling is to provide a loving home to uplift my husband and train up my son. The other part is to just love God with everything I have and obey His word. And choose joy. Yes, I must choose joy!
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Joy is not a feel-good feeling. It isn't a happy-go-lucky jackpot that if you put in a few quarters, you get a couple of hours of it. Joy is a choice. It is you actually telling yesterday's mistakes and today's expectations: "Listen, no matter what goes down, I am choosing to be happy. I'm blessed and nothing is going to tear me down, not even my bad attitude. The enemy wants to see me gloomy but I am choosing to be joyful!"
When I don't choose joy, I stay in a selfish state of "poor-me's." I'm the queen of my own pity-party; the princess to my wallow brigade...the beggar at the foot of my own table. I end up choosing sorrow which is what Jesus saved me from so long ago! Why do I go back and why do I want to? The thing is, it's comfortable. Being grouchy and sad is normal for us sometimes. It's sick but true.
Today, don't hide behind a frown mask. Whatever expectations you have of yourself, remember that we must put ALL expectations on God!
Psalm 62:5 says "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him."
I can expect great things from God because He is all powerful and all knowing! I am but a sinner trying to get through this life, in a world that is not my home. Today, I am letting go of yesterday's mistakes because His mercy covers them and His grace buries them! I'm washed by His blood and redeemed for a purpose. His purpose! It's not about me and so I choose joy because when I do, others will see it. They will experience His joy and will see that He is truly great.
