Wednesday, March 21, 2012

{JJ&M} journaling series: Depression in a Dark Place

 
{entries are edited to protect names & identities}
7/13/07


God, how did I get like this?
Why can't I let things be, and be happy living on my own? I don't know. I think I've become too dependent. I feel like a bad person. I don't know why I feel I don't deserve anything good. I have what I want, and I'm still depressed. I have my own apartment and an awesome boyfriend. I am alive and I have Jesus. I have a healthy family and I have an incredible Christian family. I'm possibly with someone who I can get married to and grow old with.

But I have these selfish ways I can't seem to get rid of. I'm so consumed...I don't leave time for anything else. I don't know. Maybe it's attention. In the back of my head, I want us to be independent yet still make time for each other. I just don't know how! I've never had to be alone before and I'm definitely learning about myself.

I never thought I can get in those dark places and think things I wouldn't think of normally. I'm trying to leave it up to Jesus, but no one said it would be easy. And that's the hard part to swallow. It's not easy and I need to get over it. How?
I wish I knew 'cuz I'd be doing it already. I guess just continue writing and painting. I need an outlet and to keep expressing myself 'cuz if I don't, I am afraid of what can happen. I'm afraid of who I will become.

Do I want to be the obsessive, selfish, attention driven girlfriend? Of course not! Maybe it's a condition. Am I really crazy? Are the wires all f---- up in there, and I'm about to explode, it's just a matter of when?

Be positive. That's what I need to do. It's going to be okay. God has it all planned out and He wouldn't let me fail. And if Jesus won't give up on me, I can't give up on Him.


Just Jesus & Me Journaling Series
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11 comments:

  1. Thank God, He doesn't give up on us and loves us right where we are at. Blessings Niki x

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  2. Amen to that Niki! I definitely know that now but it's so cool to share these past journal entries and relive the journey towards trust.

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  3. As we listen to Him, faith is a journey with God, and He brings all His immense and complete resources to bear on the one who puts their trust in Him. Sometimes it is hard to see.

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  4. Some things we go through are so difficult, but we have a high priest who understands everything! And oh my goodness...when we let them, these things refine us into a clearer reflection of our Lord. So glad you can look back and see how far you have come and what God has done in you!

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  5. I am so glad that God never gives up on us.

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  6. So true, ladies! God is amazing, we just have to look beyond ourselves and keep our gaze on Him...can't wait to share more entries with you all, this is very therapeutic & awesome :)

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  7. Found your blog via the Blog Hop. I’m your newest GFC follower!
    http://our-reflection.blogspot.com/

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  8. Hey Laura!! Welcome to my little space :)
    Your blog is so sweet, I am a new follower now!

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  9. Love following your blog. I really understand your pain. Have you tried magnetic therapy? I've been doing it for the last year to treat my depression and am amazed by how well it is working.

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  10. Jen, thanks for following! I've never heard of magnetic therapy. This journal entry was from five years ago. I have to give credit to Jesus for healing me :)

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