Wednesday, March 21, 2012

{JJ&M} journaling series: Depression in a Dark Place

{entries are edited to protect names & identities}

God, how did I get like this?
Why can't I let things be, and be happy living on my own? I don't know. I think I've become too dependent. I feel like a bad person. I don't know why I feel I don't deserve anything good. I have what I want, and I'm still depressed. I have my own apartment and an awesome boyfriend. I am alive and I have Jesus. I have a healthy family and I have an incredible Christian family. I'm possibly with someone who I can get married to and grow old with.

But I have these selfish ways I can't seem to get rid of. I'm so consumed...I don't leave time for anything else. I don't know. Maybe it's attention. In the back of my head, I want us to be independent yet still make time for each other. I just don't know how! I've never had to be alone before and I'm definitely learning about myself.

I never thought I can get in those dark places and think things I wouldn't think of normally. I'm trying to leave it up to Jesus, but no one said it would be easy. And that's the hard part to swallow. It's not easy and I need to get over it. How?
I wish I knew 'cuz I'd be doing it already. I guess just continue writing and painting. I need an outlet and to keep expressing myself 'cuz if I don't, I am afraid of what can happen. I'm afraid of who I will become.

Do I want to be the obsessive, selfish, attention driven girlfriend? Of course not! Maybe it's a condition. Am I really crazy? Are the wires all f---- up in there, and I'm about to explode, it's just a matter of when?

Be positive. That's what I need to do. It's going to be okay. God has it all planned out and He wouldn't let me fail. And if Jesus won't give up on me, I can't give up on Him.

Just Jesus & Me Journaling Series
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  1. Thank God, He doesn't give up on us and loves us right where we are at. Blessings Niki x

  2. Amen to that Niki! I definitely know that now but it's so cool to share these past journal entries and relive the journey towards trust.

  3. As we listen to Him, faith is a journey with God, and He brings all His immense and complete resources to bear on the one who puts their trust in Him. Sometimes it is hard to see.

  4. Some things we go through are so difficult, but we have a high priest who understands everything! And oh my goodness...when we let them, these things refine us into a clearer reflection of our Lord. So glad you can look back and see how far you have come and what God has done in you!

  5. I am so glad that God never gives up on us.

  6. So true, ladies! God is amazing, we just have to look beyond ourselves and keep our gaze on Him...can't wait to share more entries with you all, this is very therapeutic & awesome :)

  7. Found your blog via the Blog Hop. I’m your newest GFC follower!

  8. Hey Laura!! Welcome to my little space :)
    Your blog is so sweet, I am a new follower now!

  9. Love following your blog. I really understand your pain. Have you tried magnetic therapy? I've been doing it for the last year to treat my depression and am amazed by how well it is working.

  10. Jen, thanks for following! I've never heard of magnetic therapy. This journal entry was from five years ago. I have to give credit to Jesus for healing me :)


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