Lately my mind has been swirling around circumstances that make up my testimony.
Most of this is due to the fact that I will be speaking/preaching for the first time this Saturday at a local church. The Lord really is working in amazing ways, allowing me to share what He has done in my life!
Looking back, I realized how much God was in everything. I could write so many books on how great He has been to me! Truthfully, I have only
written one book and I'd like to share with you an excerpt from the Foreword, mainly my testimony...I promise, with my whole heart, everything I have written is true. I have not stretched the truth or added anything for effect...this is me, being transparent and hopefully inspiring you to be transparent with the Lord...
“You
have to go through a test to have a testimony”
Unknown
"Behind every book is a story that
started the entire process. Many times that story happened in a much earlier
time, long before the author even knew that the basis of the story would lead
to future inspiration. Four years ago, I definitely wasn’t thinking about
emotional purity. In fact, I wasn’t thinking about anything pure or godly at
all.
I did not go to church, let alone
own a Bible. I did not follow a Christian life, let alone have a relationship
with God. I had experiences in a Catholic church and CCD (Catholic Christian
Doctrine) but never felt any spiritual connection with them. I was given some
knowledge about God but nothing that went deep enough. Maybe, I had thought, church
is just not for me. Maybe God doesn’t
even exist.
I went through the motions of high
school and life just like a regular teenager, an emotionally-driven, boy-crazed
teenager. My desires and dreams were all over the place, and I gave in to
almost every emotion for all the wrong reasons. At the time, it just “felt
right.” I remember obsessing over the latest boy band and sprawling my crushes’
names into my journal. I’d write sappy love songs about guys who didn’t even
know me and poems about being found by Mr. Right.
By the end of my senior year, I was
tired of not having someone. You know who I mean, a boyfriend. I had built up unrealistic fantasies and expectations
and thought my life was empty without one. Before I graduated, I thought I had
met the right “one”. How did I know?
Well, all my friends told me I should give the relationship a chance and that
he was cute. I began to see what they saw and told myself this was the answer
to my loneliness and emptiness. We got along great and became instant friends
first. However, something that should have stayed an innocent friendship very
quickly turned into a heavy, long-term romance.
Everything seemed fine in our little
world for a while. I say that because I cut off people who had once meant the
most to me. I was so wrapped up emotionally in this guy that I had become dependent
on him and he on me. I wasn’t the zealous go-getter I used to be. My heart
began to harden, and my emptiness seemed to grow bigger. I put up walls to hide
behind because I didn’t want to admit that I was falling out of love. I created
unrealistic expectations for him, to try to balance my desire for a more
wholesome life. We would argue constantly, and before long, it felt like we
were roommates rather than anything else. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t
satisfied in the relationship. I thought this was what I had wanted. It was
supposed to last forever, wasn’t it?
Art and writing were my escape
growing up. I knew that even though my world was not perfect, I could create a
perfect one with my own hands. I loved the arts and used my passion for them as
a way to tell myself that everything was okay.
As I was going through this chapter
of confusion, my father introduced me to his best friend, Wanda. Wanda wanted to
hire me to produce six paintings, each a custom representation of what the Lord
put in her heart. Eager to paint for someone else and being a stereotypically
broke twenty-one-year-old, I agreed to the project.
The first painting was a very
calming scene of Jesus’ birth. Mary, the young virgin mother, was holding baby
Jesus in an airy meadow. At that point in time, I was taken aback by the level
of creativity it had. I never had painted that well before! I started feeling
somewhat different inside. When I started the second painting, I began to
meditate on the idea of God again. I remembered some of what I had learned from
church as a little girl and the morals that my mother had instilled in me.
Guilt ran through my veins as I
realized how I had given up those morals for my sinful life. Coincidentally, the
second painting I was creating was of a throne room. The throne was placed in
the center of the room, and three peasants were on their knees, worshiping
around it.
This painting really ministered to
my heart. Just as I began to have a strong urge to know more about God, weird
things started to happen. I began to have evil dreams, and my mind filled with
perverse and demonic-like terrors. I would awaken at night and couldn’t move. I
would hear fire in my ears and feel shortness of breath. I knew in my heart
that something was attacking me, trying to keep me from knowing the truth about
God.
I didn’t know who to talk to, so I
would pray the only way I knew how. I would recite the many prayers I had
learned in CCD, but none of them worked. Finally one of them did, and I know
now that the prayer I uttered is actually in the Scripture, the Lord’s Prayer.
One evening, I confided to my cousin
Billy about everything that was going on. Billy is the older brother I never
had but who is always there for me. We have a special connection that goes much
deeper than just family. We have a spiritual relationship and understand many
things about the unknown that no one else gets.
Billy gave me a valuable piece of
advice. He said the next time I felt like I was being attacked, to call out to
Jesus and ask Him for a sign. He confessed that he had tried this and it
worked. I wanted help and was so scared I knew I had to try it.
The next night I got my chance. I
lay there, trying to fall asleep when I felt heaviness upon my chest. I
couldn’t move, and I flipped open my eyelids to see only a faint light in the
darkness. It was my boyfriend on the computer; the monitor was the only light
in the room. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at
pornography. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t realize he looked at that
behind my back! I tried to talk but couldn’t. I tried to move but couldn’t. I
then heard fire in my ears. Enough was enough!
Jesus,
I need You! I cried in desperation, inside my mind. I need Your help, Jesus! If You are real, show me a sign.
Instantly, the darkness faded into a
vision. The black of the night turned into a blue sky with white, fluffy
clouds. And there He was, the Lord Jesus Christ, hanging on a cross with a
crown of thorns upon His head. There was no blood, no tears, and no anguish . .
. only peace. Jesus was looking down, and then His eyes came up and met mine.
He looked toward heaven, and then just as quickly as it came, the vision
vanished. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I couldn’t believe it was
real . . . a real vision! The
darkness of the room came back, but the heaviness on my chest lifted
immediately. I could move again! I looked around the room stunned, the vision
still alive in my mind. There was my boyfriend, unmoving, looking at his
computer. He had no idea what had just happened to me!
Needless to say, I got my sign.
Within a couple of weeks, I made arrangements to move out. It was hard to tell
my boyfriend that I needed to go. I realized that I was just staying to make
him happy because I felt too guilty to be the one to leave. I never cried so
much as on that day, from both joy and sorrow. Eventually, he spoke up and
admitted that we were holding each other back and this decision was for the
best. Deep in my heart, though, I knew that this decision was what Jesus wanted
me to do. Wanda took me into her home and became a nurturing friend and second
mother to me. I finished three paintings from the series at her home. I was
able to live there until I could afford my own place. When I was on my own
three or four months later, following the Lord and building a real relationship
with Him, I finished the last painting of the series entitled “Revelation.”
During that time, I started dating
my husband Jonathan. We spoke about life, morals, music, hobbies, and God. He
shared with me that he grew up in a Pentecostal church and explained his
Christian lifestyle, based on biblical principles. My heart ached because I
knew I wanted that. Better yet, I needed it! I desired to go back to church,
but I really didn’t want to go where I used to go. Jonathan had a peace about
his spirit that I knew was something different. I knew there was more. I wanted
to know the truth about who God really is, so Jonathan took me to church one
Sunday morning.
When I walked into the
ApostolicChurch of Enfield for the first time, it was as if the angels had descended and
I was swallowed by their glorious worship. I had never experienced a presence
of God so strongly, and tears began to roll down my flushed cheeks. I closed my
eyes and felt arms around me. It was Jonathan’s mother. She compassionately
spoke to me that I was feeling God’s Spirit. I turned to her and, from the
depth of my soul, replied,
“This is what
I want.”
In four short months, I received the
beautiful gift of the Holy Ghost by evidence of speaking with other tongues and
was fully cleansed by being water baptized in Jesus’ name. With God’s anointing
and teaching, I finally had a revelation of who God really is: the one and only
God and Savior, Jesus Christ!
Now here I am, years later, joyful
for all that God has done. I am still growing and learning the things of the Lord,
but God spoke to my heart a few years back about this message and has placed a
calling on my life. I won’t write that things will be easy once you surrender
to Jesus or that you won’t still go through trials. My first few years in the
church were a huge adjustment period for me, and some of those sinful things
from the past kept trying to creep into my heart again. Yet I pressed toward
the mark of the high calling and focused my heart on Jesus. Eventually, what
was an issue became dust, and what was once unclean became clean.
I am here to tell you that the time
is right now to be your Palace Keeper.
In those years I spent living in sin with a boyfriend, wallowing in my own
guilt and doing things my way and not God’s way, I could have protected my heart
and saved pieces of myself for my husband. I had allowed someone else to be my Palace
Keeper! The condition of your heart is so important. Being your perfect Palace Keeper
takes time, but be diligent. Then true purity will have its way!
This book will help focus your
attention on Jesus and explain to you how to be a Palace Keeper. It is written
so you can read it alone, with a friend, or in a group. The content will guide
you and bring you deeper into emotionally purifying your heart.
Everything happens for a reason and
a purpose. I have always believed that. What I see now is that everything works
for God’s glory and for God’s purpose. If you follow the cross and look to
Jesus, He will be the Light unto your feet and will show you the right way to
purity for your entire palace.
Let God create your love
story. You will never regret it!"
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